Day 415...What If?

Wednesday 14 December 2016

For the kayakers; no paddling today.

My day has just been a mish-mash of "What ifs?”
What if I had just ignored the weather forecast?
What if I had ignored other people’s thoughts?
What if I hadn’t asked others for their opinions?
What if... 
Well, they just kept haunting me all day long.

Life is about the “What ifs?” Getting over them and just looking forward. Well, apparently I’m not good at this right at the moment; no good at all at the far too many, bloody “What ifs?” this day has thrown at me. I reckon I should have gapped it today, but I didn’t! Instead, I’m practicing the patience skills to the bitter end!

I sat and looked out over the ocean for most of the day, firstly from our overnight vantage point high on the hills. Secondly, I walked to the top of Cape Reinga again. Then I drove back to my launching beach, along the dusty pot-holed roads and walked out to face the West Coast. The last, damn West Coast launch; maybe it would have been good or maybe it would have been bad. I’m pleased to say that it was and is not going to be the worst beach to leave from when I eventually do get underway again. But it’s still going to get me wet and it’s still going to get my heart racing!

I sat in the sand just looking and watching, feeling the wind gusts and constantly reminding myself of my promise not to “gap it”, recalling what “gapping it” has done to me before. In fact, even when I did start counting the tides and the hours, Bianca looked at me and said firmly “I’m not helping you to launch today!” But, in any case, it was already too late by then, so the “What if?” sort of stuck in my throat!

We headed back to sit on the other coast and enjoy the sunshine and the shelter of the little beach at Tapotupotu. It’s cute and very welcoming in the calmer weather. But, holy shit, did Mother Nature torment me today. All day, and all the “What ifs?” came flooding back. I sat in the sunshine most of the day and just tried to numb my brain. But that didn’t work. Doubts and more doubts and “What ifs?” kept dancing about inside my brain. At times it would be nice to be able to remove my head and just sit in numbed silence with my head tucked inside a bag. Well, it’s a thought at least, if not an option.

I had to remove myself from poor Bianca and Cuzzie, as I made them both suffer a lot today. Frustrated and grumpy, I sat alone on the beach for a few hours to lessen everyone's pain. Bianca got out her pink hair dye and played her guitar; far nicer than having me for company! I blame the proximity of Christmas, it seems to be bothering me, even way up here in Northland. To make matters worse, an army of small ants arrived and enjoyed annoying me by biting me. Even the waves washing onto the beach just laughed at me. I did go for a swim in an effort to cool off (in more ways than one) but jeepers, it was cold. Refreshing, but cold.

Anyway enough of this feeling sorry for myself shit. I wandered back to try and explain my mood and apologise. We talked with a fellow camper-van owner for a little while, then it was time to brace the cold again in the outdoor DOC showers!! Strangely enough, they lifted my mood somewhat, the cold reminding me that life is actually really good and that I should stop this brain-frying game!! By this time, the mosquitos have started to arrive and neither of us wants to find out what they are truly like once the sun starts setting, so we high-tail it back up the dusty hill towards our beautiful “high in the sky” camper-van site. This is when the last “What if?” happened!! Driving up the steep hill towards the main road, suddenly there was a loud smash crash in the back of Cuzzie.

What on earth was that? Oh, shit! A tray of fifteen eggs had just fallen off the shelf onto the floor, with every single egg smashed to smithereens and raw egg running down the aisle. We had to stop on the hill in order to clean up the hideous mess!!! Yuck! I was just about to say to Bianca “What if we’d put them away properly?” But, fortunately, I started to laugh. For, if I hadn’t managed to laugh, I’d probably have started crying. Which just about sums up my day; laugh or cry!

My smiles today:
All the “What ifs?” I just have to smile!
My obsession is driving me nuts.
Being in such a beautiful location.
Blessed to have got this far.
This tough, bloody corner I’m on.
At least being able to sunbathe.
The egg story. Eggshausting, eggspensive and not at all eggshilarating!!! (It’s meant to be a yolk!)

My thoughts today:
What if we knew what tomorrow would bring? Would we fix it? Could we fix it? Should we fix it?

From our vantage point high on the hill, goodnight from Red (and all her “What ifs?”), and not forgetting Bianca!

Ma Te Wa.


Goodnight from the West Coast.

Goodnight from the West Coast.

"Hi" to the moon from the East Coast.

"Hi" to the moon from the East Coast.