DAY 193...Nile River

Friday 6th May

An early start, paddling gear on, I actually am not sure what dream I was in but I was going paddling no matter what.  I had beautiful winds, a soft and gentle sou-westerly, what a great wind direction, and the torn in my side that I was continuing to ignore, the 3.2m swells!  I can not explain my mind and the dilemmas I go through somedays.  The swell is over my happy level and what I would normally paddle in.  We have had coastguard warnings about the weird swells and the big gaps between sets but my mind wanted to ignore it and I continued my morning ritual.  I dragged Nat down to the beach before sunrise to wait and watch as the sun light gave me enough light to see.  There was a possibility of getting out but once out I kept asking myself was it a wise choice to be out there or I was I nuts in an unsafe way, my dilemma.

It is really hard to explain, I know it all, I know the correct answers and could talk anyone else out of hitting the water but to be rational to myself when it is blue skies and just a massive swell, it is not an easy task, this is to be a tough day.  My mind actually goes into over drive and even when I do not paddle and listen to all of my safety talk my pre set rules, my team and their advice, I still do not settle easily.

Anyway we went for a 4.5km hike to the end of Cape Foulwind.  I ranted, I justified and I vented my frustration to the sky, to poor Nat and to the ocean.  We walked and talked.  We stopped and looked, I agreed it was shit, but heck I just wanted to paddle.  We turned and headed back to Cuzzie, I stopped and chatted to this gorgeous, friendly chestnut horse.  Maybe he could calm me?  For awhile he did and I settled.  We are a late breakfast then we drove to Westport and filled Cuzzie up with water.  Filling up the water I turned the hose on full and covered myself with water!  My great day was continuing, so bloody typical.  By the time I was finished even rolling up the water hose became a nightmare.  I think "settle petal" was what needed to be said.

We went and sat with the doors wide open onto the Westport beach.  I tried to breathe in the sunshine and be rational, my afternoon had some great moments and some 'if only' moments.  The sea has calmed and so has the mood.  I have to laugh at me and my fixation of getting up this coast, today it would have been good if I could have removed this part of my brain and been normal and not a caged tiger, but, it is what drives me I suppose.

Tonight we are camped next to the river mouth.  I am going to bed in my kayak gear and making the most of  the weather tomorrow.  One day I may be able to analyse this brain feature of mine, but all I can say is the best medicine is to laugh at me and make me laugh at  myself.  Frustration is not my most attractive or prettiest side, thank goodness it only appears briefly.

Dinner and a hot cup of kawakawa tea is needed.

My smiles today:
The gorgeous blue sky.
Sharing with others who know me well my today mood and them laughing at me.  Very brave they are!
Talking with friends but not listening!
The sunshine and my beach walk.
The beautiful horse.
Nat suggesting I have a sleep.
Me getting angry at the garden hose!  Pathetic I know.

My thoughts today: 
How old are you Red?  A two year old throwing a tantrum, or a mature woman?!  Well behave accordingly then!